The way to normal is NOT a Ben Folds concert, even if he plays "Cologne" and is generally awesome.

So. Two weeks ago I saw Ben Folds live for the fifth time in my life. I've driven to Dallas from Siloam Springs, Arkansas; Kansas City from Tulsa; Tulsa from Siloam Springs; and Tulsa from Dallas. But this was the first time I only had to drive a couple of miles. The thought of Ben Folds playing just a few miles from where I live actually blew my mind a little because I'm not sure it's ever happened before.

Anyway. There, I almost got into a fight with this girl.

The crowd at Ben Folds shows is usually pretty chill. We are all really just a bunch of self-conscious dorks. Sometimes we cuss, but never at each other. Mostly we just want to hear the music, man. Just hear it and feel it and be pleased and ironic.

But the crowd at this particular show was angry. And drunk. And messed up on drugs. And SHOVY. And NO ONE could see the stage because the floor was flat and the the stage not very high and there were SO MANY TALL GUYS and we had to wait a long time. And we're all getting older. I'm not the 19-year-old who drove from Siloam Springs to Norman and hopped in a car with a bunch of frat boys to drive to Dallas, all in one day, all just to see Ben Folds play for the first time, that I once was.

And apparently I'm not the girl who puts up with shit that I once was, either.

So the Aussie Vanessa Carlton (Missy Higgins) who was kind of angry herself had played for a while and left, and we were waiting. Waiting. Waiting. And the crowd undulated and shifted, which usually happens, and I was mostly going with it because it was mostly directing me closer to Mr. Folds' piano. But then I noticed that the older gentleman next to me, who was probably in his fifties or so, was getting shoved. So he turned around and glared at the person responsible for doing the shoving, a generic-looking late-twenties male who was wearing a polo shirt and a baseball cap and reeked of cheap beer. And I turned around to check out the situation out of, you know, boredom. The lad in question held up his hands and said, "Sorry, man, there are people pushing me." My new cohort and I accepted this explanation and turned around.

AND THEN THE LAD BEGAN PUSHING INTO ME. So I turned around, saw that there was no one standing anywhere near him, and in fact, it appeared a few rows behind him had completely cleared in a "give the asshole the room he wants" kind of way. And, without thinking, I put my left hand on his chest, pushed him back and said, "There's no one pushing you. You're fine. So back off."

Of course, my fatal error here was touching him. He glanced down at my hand, the look of shock on his face contorted into disgust, and he began yelling, "DON'T TOUCH ME!" My hand was still there because I was still pushing him back to where he belonged, which was, ideally, as far from my ass as possible.

Just as I was about to explain to him that, really, he was the one who touched me first when he stuck his crotch on my body with the aim of trucking me forward, a girl with wet-looking long blonde curly hair, presumably his girlfriend, stuck her head between us and began yelling obscene things at me that still cause my ears to bleed when I think about them.

I took one look at her and said, "EXCUSE ME?!"

And that's when Chad stepped in, saying "Whoa whoa whoa." And somehow he managed to shift them slightly away from me, the girl yelling all the while. We stood there and endured it, our stony faces looking at the stool Ben Folds was to occupy HOPEFULLY SOON, and Chad explained to me that clearly these are not people one can reason with. But the girl kept yelling. And, when he had had enough, the older gentleman who was the original victim of the crime yelled "ENOUGH! SHUT UP, YOU TWERPS!"

And, miraculously, they did.

Anyway. Whatever drugs they were on must have worn off at some point, and they were looking pretty sheepish by the time Ben Folds played "Cologne," which he did, early on, and I got it on video. So here. Enjoy.